Peeking in on a moment in time doesn’t tell the whole story, at least not for our mixed family. A Saturday afternoon turned into evening with my ex, his parents, our daughter and my other daughter from my new marriage and what the hell, let’s throw in a group of 7/8 year olds might look normal, unless of course you knew our backstory.
Where to begin this torrid story, well in the middle of course, that now is our norm (English major side note, I love how the shorten word for normal is now an acceptable term aka ‘the norm’). My ex and I were never married, yes I’ve already heard some hateful comments about premarital sex and babies out of wedlock, I’m down to my bones so happy that we never were married though (a tale for another day of course). We were not marriage material, we in turn broke up, knowing we were not compatible only to find we were pregnant with our sweet baby girl. Long story short, we tried to make it work for over 3 years but it was miserable and no way for a child to grow up seeing. Fast forward 5 years later and I’m married to the best man I could have dreamt up, mother to another girl and twin boys and now 600 miles away from my first born child ( post about this to come).
Now standing in the home of my ex, a man I should loathe and his parents who I also should resent and I feel a creepy dejavu feeling come over me as I slave over a birthday cake that will be devoured without a thank you, a group of individuals who feel entitled to the things they are given, including my innocent child. I don’t feel hate but sadness, sadness for the life that thinks this is normal, the non-living that is happening before my lives and that’s when I feel the relief. A wave of relief crashes onto these thoughts as I realize that I escaped this “norm” a life of blah and that this moment in time is a reminder that I survived and escaped this life and there’s hope for my daughter that she too can escape this life if only I can show her there is more. After all, that is my job isn’t it?
My two year old busts into the kitchen at this moment, hollaring and laughing hysterically and I smile knowing she will never think this is normal, she will be the fire in the darkness and will guide her sister out of the dark and into the light. Sometimes the one you look up to learns something from you, I sure hope she does.
When I was younger long before I had kids of my own I thought I knew it all and already had solutions to all types of situations and child-rearing techniques. Being an experienced babysitter for many years surely taught me all I needed to know about parenting and all the do’s and dont’s. I imagined myself as a young, hip and adored mother who just had to give “the look” for everyone to shape up and silently behave. I can cringe thinking of myself as this know-it-all who thought my children will be nothing like the rude child I once was.
I remember as I held my oldest child how I swore that we’d be the best of friends, she would confined in me, tell me all her secrets, be concerned about my disappointment and want to strive to be better. After you become a mom your life shifts and you realize the weight of motherhood, the real truth is it’s hard, painful at times but every moment counts and every conversation can matter. The reality about being a fun mom is that your child doesn’t necessarily learn all the lessons you need them to unless you draw the line of what is right and wrong and how to behave as a human being.
I often find myself feeling guilty that my parenting is strict and less friendship-braclet bound as I thought it would be, then I remind myself that my job as a mother and parent is to be a teacher, instructor and guide in life and hopefully the wisdom and morals passed down from my parents will live through me to my own children. God willing that they become the people I’d want to be surrounded by in this world.
Well after 2 years of debating about it and blogging daily in my mind, (crazy I know but that’s my internal writer being honest) I finally decided to begin my third blog. My first two mostly to capture my pregnancies of my first two children and give out of town family a way to interact and follow our daily life. This one too will capture pregnancy (teeing) life with babies, toddlers and children as well as our blended family and all the chaos that goes with a big family.
Hey Everyone! I’m really excited about this blog and hope you will follow me through all the twists and turns of life as a mama, life with twin boys, our natural and organic lifestyle, fashion and everything inbetween. I had started a few personal blogs while pregnant with my kiddos to capture those moments but now want to focus on all my passions while being a stay at home mom to my four kids, including the new journey of being a twin mama. Can’t wait!